Friday, January 23, 2009

Call me Puff...or is it the anti-Puff

Why haven't they figured out teleportation yet? I mean seriously...we've been waiting on this for how many decades now? If they had figured out teleportation, then the dilemma I'm facing now would be a no brainer. I spent about 3 hours last night bawling my eyes out.

My boyfriend and I want to get married. I love him more than I can even begin to describe.

There's just one problem; he's from Arkansas and wants me to move there with him. If I can't, we can't be together. He promised his mother and grandmother like 4 years ago that when he got out of the Army he would come back to Arkansas and help take care of them and such. He also promised his nephew that he would come back and coach his baseball, football, soccer, you name it, teams.

I can picture in my head the life that we've planned out. The house we want to build, the kids we want to have, all of it. And I want that more than anything. But all I can think about is how much leaving could destroy Kaiden. Taking him away from his father and his nana would be devastating for him.

See, I can picture that in my head too. Us leaving for Arkansas and him clinging to my mom for dear life screaming and begging to stay with her...and that part absolutely destroys me. Plus, his father just came back into his life and boy does that kid adore his dad! He always talks about him. And I can picture him ten years from now telling me that he hates me for taking him away from here.

I have an incredibly hard decision to make.

I feel like Daniel is the ying to my yang and I don't want to be without him, but my babies, they mean everything to me. I can't hurt them. He says, "well that's why we'll go visit, and they'll come visit us". But I know that they won't come visit us. Not because they won't want to, but because they can't. They can't afford to time-wise or financially. I know my sisters will come and visit, but my mom won't, and nary a day goes by when I don't talk to her. Just yesterday I told her how happy I was and how much I love him and she told me that she knows and she's happy for me and she can tell that I love him just in the way I talk about him and how I've been acting lately. He's made me happy for the first time in a long time. Really truly happy, not just OK with things and not depressed happy. I mean, happy like a fat kid with skittles in every pocket that they're not gonna share happy.

I know that this man loves me for my personality and everything that I am, not just for my looks, and that's been a really hard thing for me to find. There are a lot of superficial men around here who go 'hmm...she's cute...why not?' instead of 'Wow! This girl has an amazing personality! She's funny and smart and just wow! I can't let her go!' The latter is how Daniel is about me. I asked him if he would still love me 4 babies later when I weigh 300 lbs. His response was that if I keep the personality I have, he'll love me forever.

He tells me that he thinks he's the obvious sacrifice. That he doesn't want me to be in pain, he wants me to be happy. But is he the obvious sacrifice? Should I really sacrifice the love of my life? I don't know...I just don't know anymore...

I'm going to talk to my mom about it tonight. Hopefully she'll be able to give me some guidance. And if she can't I'll talk to my pastor.

I've never left here before other than for like a month when I moved to Muncie, but then I moved right back. Haven't left since. And I've never lived anywhere BUT Indiana.

So yeah, I guess I'm Puff the not-so-magic dragon. I wish I could just pack up my whole family and move them all with me, or figure out teleportation, but neither of those things will maybe I'm the anti-Puff...


  1. aww, well I hope that you figure something out. Sometimes moving is good for the soul. Catch me on myspace, I'd tell you what we did when we moved and how old my kids were and what it's done for our family. I also too wish they made a deleportation device of some type lol

  2. I can't relate exactly but a few years ago when dh and got married I left the whole country, w/it my mom my aunts, uncles and all my friends. I visit every year, twice if I can, I miss them a bunch but I'd do it again in a heart beat!! but its never the same when you have kids so I don't know. Hope you figure it out