Friday, April 24, 2009

Quotes a la me!

I have a tendency to have a slow brain to mouth connection...if I think something I usually say it and then later think that perhaps...that would have been better left in my head! Here are some classics:

When wondering out loud how one goose gets to lead the entire V:
"Did you ever wonder how they decide which goose gets to fly at the front? I mean, did that goose sleep their way to the front of the V? Are the other geese behind her going 'stupid slut, she slept with Tom and now SHE gets to lead us all to cabo?!'"
Later I found out that it was the goose with the highest level of magnetism in their head or some scientific shit like that.

When looking for my sister's newly chipped off tooth: "I found it...oh, no wait...that's a rice krispie."

Talking about my slip-n-slide va-jay-jay: "I never have to worry about buying any's like my body's own little way of clipping coupons and saving money!"

When getting a pelvic exam from the doctor:
Doctor:"hey, toss me some lube."
Me: " could at least take me out to dinner first! Olive Garden sounds nice!"
Doctor and Nurse in unison: "OMG Hahahahaha!!"

And that's it for brain has malfunctioned and is suffering from a rather severe case of CRS.

Friday, April 17, 2009

I'm a kiss slut

Yup, that's right. I'm a kiss slut! What can I say, I love to kiss!

My first kiss was when I was 5. He was 10 (what can I say, I was a hot little number) and we were in the breezeway at my house...not very mom caught us and chewed the boy out. Little did she know that we made out at the pavillion at the park too...hehehe...

I mean, what did she expect? I had 2 boyfriends at 4 years old! Player! Of course when pre-school ended I had to kick them to the curb. Kindergarten was coming and there were going to be other boys and I surely wasn't going to get myself tied down to one man so young!

And boy was I right! With kindergarten came Ben Strycker...boy did I chase THAT boy around the playground! Woowee! Of course me being a girl who was obsessed with him automatically did not bode well for our relationship, but I gave it the old college, ok kindergarten, try! Alas, after the puppet string incident in 1st grade it was all over for us...but I 3rd grade there was Brian. We decided on the bus one day that we would be boyfriend and girlfriend. So I told him to kiss me, because being the smart little cookie I was, I knew that was what boyfriends and girlfriends did! Yes my friends, that was my first french kiss, at the tender age of 8. Sloppy, but decent considering the fact that he was less experienced than me.

3rd grade ended my "cute" phase and threw me into my awkwardly skinny, frizzy haired, flat-chested, freckled girl phase. I hated that phase! Talk about a dry spell! I didn't have another man until 6th grade and that was only because he was double-dog dared to be my boyfriend and everyone knows you DO NOT refuse a double-dog dare! You can't! Of course that ended quickly. You just can't force a relationship like that!

Around this time I was getting teased by all the boys because while the rest of the girls at least had fat nipples, I still had nothing. They told me that I would be flat-chested forever. My BFF Rebecca came to my rescue and told the boys they'd be eating their words once we got to high school because I'd have the biggest boobs out of everybody! Who knew she had magical powers? I sure didn't! But I believe that on that day she cursed me. Yes, cursed, not blessed. It is a curse when you end your freshman year of high school as an A cup and a week later walk into drivers ed with a full C cup. Do you know what kind of rumors that starts? I was 15 and the rumor was that I had implants and that I was just recovering really are really smart. The torture continued throughout the school year. "Hey what is it today? Jello or pudding?" To which my response was, "I dunno, how bout you? Socks or a roll of quarters?"

Finally I caved and showed someone, that killed the rumors but then fueled every guys desire to get their hands on those puppies! That and it also fueled the hatred of me by most girls in the school. I had gone from the likeable short skinny girl with no curves to speak of, to the girl with nearly the biggest rack in the school, and that made me an evil bitch and a slut. Didn't you know that big boobs=slut? If you didn't, you do now. Truth is, I didn't actually lose my V-card until 2 months shy of my 18th bday. Though everyone would have liked to believe it was MUCH earlier than that. But that's another story for another day.

The worst thing about getting big boobs when you're young, is that while all your little flat chested friends are shopping at the trendy stores, you have to search high and low for something that will fit and not flatten or over-accentuate (i.e. slut-up) your cleavage. Not an easy task, trust me! I was too skinny for the fat girl store, and to chesty for the trendy stores. I went naked. Not really, but it would make for an interesting story huh?

So back to me being a kiss slut. I've kissed more men than I can remember, some good, some great, some god awful. But let me say this, the worst kiss EVER is the sloppy wet kiss. I want to kiss you, not smell your saliva on my face for the rest of the day! Gross! I'm not your territory! Don't mark me! Yuck!

Best kisser ever was definitely this guy named Brian. He worked at Journey's in the mall and he was a bad boy. I was 18 and oh how I ♥ the bad boys! Not only that but boy oh boy did he rock my world! That was the first time a guy ever pulled my hair and bit my lip when he kissed me and now if a guy doesn't, it's totally ruined for me. Thanks Brian! You upped my kissing kryptonite and I'll always be grateful!

That's all for now, maybe I'll remember more later...maybe I'll have a top ten list like Dave Letterman, maybe not, but you can all look forward to the virginity story...til then...

Friday, April 3, 2009

Least Favorite Things...I think this'll go platinum....

You know that song My Favorite Things from the Sound of Music? Yeah, well I'm gonna re-write it for my purposes of telling you all about some of my LEAST favorite things. :)

Monsoons in spring time and whiskers on women
Over-bright headlights and itchy wool mittens
Brown paper packages covered in tape
These are a few of my least favorite things

Dogs with butt nuggets and the people who own them
Ordering a Big Mac meal with a diet coke
Wild party girls with their nipples exposed
These are a few of my least favorite things

Girls in white outfits with blue undergarments
People who don't know it's to, too, and two
Lake effect snow in the middle of March
These are a few of my least favorite things

When I see a
Girl in spandex
When I'm feeling blonde...
I simply remember my least favorite things and then I don't feeeeeel soooo dumb!!